Living Life on Solid Ground
(click here to read article in Spanish)
Building on a Solid Foundation – Matthew 7: 24-25 (NLT)
“Anyone who listens to My teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears My teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”
The storms of Life are inevitable. They come whether we want them to or not and they are often beyond our control. Chances are that you have already experienced a few “storms” in your life like losing a job or relationship, experiencing financial problems, being angry or afraid, or being abused and abandoned. How have those “storms” impacted you? Did they wreak havoc in your life leaving a lot of wreckage behind? Or did your life improve because you were able to overcome and be resilient?
We usually don’t have control over the circumstances of the storms that happen, but we do have control over how we act and react to the storms that come at us.
“I have discovered that I always have a choice, sometimes it’s just a choice of attitude.” ~ anonymous
That is my favorite quote that is not from the bible. I have tried to live my life with that attitude in mind: I can always choose my attitude no matter what’s happening. I can always choose how to act and react despite what is going on around me. That may sound impossible to you, but it is possible – especially because Jesus is my Lord and Savior and He gives me the strength and ability to overcome anything.
The above parable of the “Building on a Solid Foundation” tells us exactly how to get through any situation by CHOOSING to live life on God’s terms. Jesus tells us that if we choose to live life how God tells us to live, we can survive any storm that threatens our wellbeing. However, if we choose to live life by our own wisdom and rules, we run the risk of being devastated when a storm comes along.
How do you want to live your life? Do you want to be able to get through anything and come out better than before? Or do you want to take your chances and live without the guiding and loving principles of a God who loves you and only wants the best for you? It’s your choice.
The Storm of Infidelity
What happens when you find out that your spouse or significant other has cheated on you? How are you supposed to feel? What are you supposed to do?
Research says that the most stressful event in a person’s life is when their spouse dies and the second most stressful event a person can experience is divorce. I actually tend to disagree. I believe that divorce is more stressful than the death of a spouse because with a divorce there often is no closure and the hope of reuniting is always there while with death, there is no hope of reconciliation and the relationship is over.
Below are some interesting statistics on Infidelity taken from www.infidelityfacts.com.
- Percentage of marriages that end in divorce in America: 53%
- Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%
- Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57%
- Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 54%
- Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%
- Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%
- Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law: 17%
- Average length of an affair: 2 years
- Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%
- Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
- Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%
Infidelity often leads to divorce. When there is infidelity in a marriage, Western culture tends to pressure the wronged spouse to seek a divorce and find someone else. When there is infidelity in a “Christian” marriage, the church tends to pressure the wronged spouse to “forgive” the cheating spouse and to “work it out” since divorce is looked down upon in the Christian community. Which way is right?
The answer to that question is not easy and the decision to “divorce” or “work it out” should be made only after much prayer and consideration.
What is normal?
There are a lot of emotions a person will go through after they have discovered that their spouse has cheated. The following emotions are normal and everyone experiences them. They are not in any particular order and there is no time “limit” for feeling them. Each person is different.
- Shock and disbelief: “No, he/she wouldn’t do that!” or “I can’t believe he/she would do that to me.”
- Denial: “This can’t be happening!”
- Anger: “I just want to hurt him/her back and let him/her feel my hurt/pain”
- Sadness and depression: “I just can’t sleep or eat and everything seems hard to do.” or, “I want to be left alone, I don’t have energy to speak to anyone.”
- Mistrust of your spouse who cheated: “How can I trust him/her again?” or, “If she/he did it before he/she will do it again.”
- Acceptance: “This is happening and I choose to deal with the situation in the best manner possible.”
- Forgiveness: “I choose to forgive asking God to help me and seek His love and peace to bring healing to my life.”
What is not normal?
It is not normal to go on as if nothing happened and reject/deny the emotions that are felt when a spouse has been unfaithful. We are human beings and emotions are natural reactions to our life experiences. Believing that infidelity is normal and taking the blame for the unfaithful spouse’s action is not healthy and will not help save or better the relationship.
It is not normal to stay in a relationship out of fear. Have you ever felt fear? It is a strong emotion and it can paralyze a person. No one should be in a relationship out of fear; specially, if it is due to physical or emotional harm. There is help and no one should accept feeling TRAPPED AND ALONE.
Are you or anyone you know going through the storm of infidelity? Following are some helpful steps to take:
Steps to take if you have experienced the storm of infidelity
- Seek God’s face
- Praise God is all circumstances
- Pray for what is in darkness come to light
- Pray for God to give you strength and energy to face the storm
- Seek trusted friends and family for support and encouragement
- Seek professional help for wise counsel and resources needed
Steps not to take
- Seeking revenge
- Seeking out the “other” man/woman to violence against your spouse or the other man/woman
- Become involved in the “drama”
- Avoid becoming a loner
- Avoid taking on guilt or responsibility for spouse’s wrong choice(s)
- Avoid turning away from God
- Avoid placing children in the middle of situation – ex. using as messengers
- Avoid making important decisions fast without considering their long term impact on yourself and family
While Infidelity can be devastating to so many people, it doesn’t have to be the end. Infidelity can be overcome and the marriage can survive and even become stronger if both people commit to healing and change through Christ.
If there is divorce because of “hardness of the heart”- Mt.19:8 – of a spouse(s), God still wants to be your refuge and comfort through this distressful time. You can and will stand firmly at the end of the tempest because “you can do all things through Christ which strengthen you!” Phil 4:13.
It is our hope and desire that if you are undergoing the overwhelming storm of infidelity you choose to seek the support and assistance you deserve. We pray for God’s love to pour over you and give you clarity of mind to make sound choices and decisions through this season.
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About the Author
Melody Kipp, PhD, LMHC is the President and CEO of Life & Work Soulutions, Inc. She holds an earned Doctorate degree in Psychology with a specialization in Industrial and Organizational Psychology. She holds a Master of Arts degree in Applied Psychology with a Clinical-Counseling emphasis. Dr. Kipp has been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (MH5137) in the State of Florida since 1999 and is a State of Florida Qualified Clinical Supervisor for Mental Health Counselor Interns and Marriage & Family Therapy Interns. [...]
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